Stop making college students sit through commencement speeches

Posted by jgrant, 2009-05-25

You've just gone years into debt for a worthless diploma, and now here's a reward: 20 minutes of motivational bullshit from Coach Bobby Knight.

Now, maybe I'm just upset because I've never given a commencement speech. Even the girls' school I founded in South Africa for disadvantaged pole dancers hasn't asked me. And I think I know why. It's because I can't be trusted to bullshit. I firmly believe if college students wanted to hear more drivel they're never going to use again, they could go to class.

So, I would tell the class of 2009 exactly what they really have to look forward to: working at Starbucks. I'm joking of course. Starbucks isn't hiring.

But, here's the speech I would give. [he puts on mortar board] Graduates, faculty, alumni and guests, I am truly honored to speak at your university. Mostly because it's a great place to score cheap weed.

Now, I've been asked by your dean to keep it brief, and by your feminist studies club to keep it humorless. So, Class of 2009, as you go out in the world, here is my message for you: Give up.

Seriously, you're about to enter the worst job market since Adam and Eve hired the very first employee. A Mexican to tend their garden. On top of that, you went through the American educational system. You wrote "Hi, Mom" on your cap and misspelled "Hi."

And if all that wasn't enough, you are the first generation to inherit an environment that's probably already toast. But, hey, maybe you can make a few bucks smearing sunscreen on old people.

Just remember there's more to life than work. Maybe now's the time to appreciate the little things: a flower, a sunset, a shopping cart full of cans.

And, so I say to you as you embark on your adult life, take a moment to look back and honor your parents. Because they're the ones who paid for your education. They're the ones who stood by you the whole time. And they're the ones who you'll be moving back in with in the fall.

So, look at them. Look at your parents right now. Or, more likely, your dad and his new wife, who is your age. And your mom and her new boyfriend, who she met on MySpace.

And after the ceremony, I want you to take them aside and say something very important to them: "This is your fault!! Who do you think it was who tanked the economy and spent all the money and melted the planet and let the schools rot?!!"

Yes, it was us. But, at least, I hope we taught you that, in life, there really is no such thing as failure. Because, if there were, we wouldn't be seeing Dick Cheney on TV everyday.

In closing, remember that, above all, that no matter where life takes you, you will always have something deep inside you of great value: plasma! [he tosses mortar board in the air]